To learn more about this family’s adoption journey, click here.
A guest post by Katie N.
I must confess something here. This is the third Christmas season without our baby since beginning the adoption process. Each and every event this month has stung in its reminder that our little one is not here to enjoy it with us. Parties, choir, decorations—all stand as a reminder like a line in the sand.
But, what I hate the most is not the fact that I cannot hold my hoped for child or that I do not know what is going to happen. While I do feel like my child is on the “missing persons” list at this point and that often brings me to tears, I have something else that nags at me more. Each of you know that I prize my relationship with God more than anything. What I hate is that irritating voice that is saying lies like, “God is not working for your good” or “your prayers are ineffective” or “you cannot hear from God in a meaningful enough way to know He wants adoption for you.”
I have always struggled with the immutability of God and prayer. How can prayers be an effective means of change on a God who is the same yesterday, today and forever? At the end of the day, I do not know how this mystery works, but I know God says to pray. I know that God says we can see this praying relationship like a child asking for something from his or her parents. I know that God says prayers have moved things, stopped things, caused miracles, saved lives and so on. Whether God moved the person to pray for His already determined will or whether God somehow moved His sovereign choice due to the heart and words of this or any mortal is beyond me. I have chosen to pray in obedience to the command to pray and, honestly, it gives me peace to do so.
However, these last few weeks, I feel depleted spiritually with God far off. While I know He is not far off, I do believe He is being very quiet. I suppose that means I need to be quieter still (as it normally does). Yet, these loud voices of doubt, despair, and discouragement are so deafening in my mind that my time with Him seems pale. I am taking heart these last few days simply trying to get back in the race with/for God despite my discouragement over my understanding of our relationship and His stillness on the adoption front. Through sheer steps of obedience and sharing with those close to me, I am determined to let this crises of faith be a stepping stone up and not a rock on which to fall. God is giving me grace through the prayers of others and I feel it.
So, please say a prayer for us to see God clearly over here and be encouraged whether or not a baby shows up in 2013. God has certainly allowed His saints to suffer unimaginably more than not receiving a baby; we were promised that on this earth we would have troubles. I just need to remember to take heart because God has overcome this world (John 16). My God is bigger than anything I could possibly think of Him and He loves me. That is my greatest comfort.